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May 19, 2018

How to be a better person (4 steps!)

What a catchy title!

Hopefully, if you are reading this, you want to be a better person. However, there are no secrets to becoming this "better person." It often is a long journey with hills and valleys. And as a poster in a high school guidance office might say, "a journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step." 

As a Christ-follower, I believe it is ultimately the work of the divine, Holy Spirit, that enables me to become a better person. With that being said there are plenty of ways we can partner with Him to grow and be transformed. As you will see in my first step (below) just reading this blog will not change you. You have to actually live life and be willing to be introspective. 
So lets begin.... with a parable.  Parable of the Good Samaritan30 Jesus replied with a story: “A Jewish man was traveling from Jerusalem down to Jericho, and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road.31 “By chance a priest came along. But when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. 32 A Temple assistant[a] walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed by on the other side.33 “Then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. 34 Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. 35 The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins,[b] telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here.’36 “Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor to the man who was attacked by bandits?” Jesus asked.37 The man replied, “The one who showed him mercy.”Then Jesus said, “Yes, now go and do the same.”

If you've heard this story before I urge you to re-read it. We tend to gloss over the details if you have heard a story multiple times. Why was Jesus telling this story? His story, and most of his parables, are in response to questions....

An expert in the Jewish law approached Jesus and asked him which law he must follow in order to have eternal life. The average Jew observed 616 Old Testament laws. So which one is important? Jesus tells him it is simple... 1) Love God and 2) Love your neighbor as yourself. 

To a Jew loving God was easy. He was part of a chosen nation. He was circumcised. He went to temple. He studied Torah. He was set.

But love my neighbor? What does that even mean? You want me to love "outsiders?"

So the "expert" asks a question. "Who is my neighbor?" Who is this person I am obligated to love? This is where this story comes into action. 

This might be a good time for a sidebar. In the First Century there was a group of people known as the Samaritans. Jews did not like Samaritans. They viewed the Samaritans as "half-breeds." They treated them in this manner because they inter-married with non-Jews. This was a big "no-no." There is a lot more backstory but for the purpose of this blog just know that no Jew would ever want help from a Samaritan. As an American, imagine it is 2002. How are you feeling toward Muslims? 

This is such a dramatic story as the people that the Jewish expert would expect to help do not. Yet the Samaritan does. Jesus wanted to teach us that when we believe destructive things, like I'm better than someone else, it is as if we are left dead by the side of the road. 

The only saving grace for the Jewish expert, who is suppose to be the man on the side of the road, in the story, is to be saved by a Samaritan. Be saved by the person you hate or die. Ouch! 

So how do we grow? How can we be transformed into the person God wants us to be?

Step 1: Experience!

Nothing shapes us more than experiencing life. On Easter Weekend, My wife, son, and I went to Detroit for Opening Weekend of the Baseball season. Pirates were in town and we wanted to experience a new ballpark. 

On Saturday we went to the mall. A very urban mall. We were the only white people in the mall (besides the 20 or so police officers). 
And on Easter Sunday, we sat down next to a Muslim family in the hotel and ate breakfast. The woman were wearing head-covers. 

It's easy to look at someone of a different skin color or religion and be fearful. But why live life in fear? 

In the story, the man had to learn that even though some Samaritans are bad, making generalizations are harmful. Would he (or we) like people to make generalizations about us? Oh you are...... so you must be..... 

But as we experience life, as we experience new things, we should let those new experiences impact how we see life and other people. 

Step 2: Cognitive Dissonance 
Cognitive Dissonance is when your experience does not match your belief. One of two things happen. Either we change what we believe or we remain in cognitive dissonance (which leads to stress).  

Growth does not happen when we remain in cognitive dissonance however it is a good sign that you are growing when you experience differences between belief and practice. 

Is what I believe true? Have I been lied to? Or is my experience and understanding of the world limited? 

After the Samaritan helped the man and He was healed how would he respond? 
Could he go back to believing ALL Samaritans are unworthy of love and respect? 

How are your life experiences changing you? Or is everything black and white? "Of course, the ______ (political party) are evil.... they ___________ (action)."
"Of course, all ________ (religion) are evil... they ______________ (action)."

People do this with churches. My church experience was bad. I was judged. Therefore all church is bad. Or.... you just had a bad experience. 

People do this with relationships.... "My ______ (gf/bf/husband/wife) was a jerk/abused me.... therefore I will not get close to people again. 

Im not saying we should blindly trust people but I hope you experience some type of cognitive dissonance that leads to belief in people again. 

Step 3: Empathy 
The first two steps leads to deconstruction but now we must learn to reconstruct. 
This begins by showing empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. 
Am I able to 1) Forgive myself for the harmful things I believed? and 2) Treat other people as human. 

This second one sounds really simple. But do I respect what they feel? Do I believe they have something to teach me? Or do I know it all? Can I learn from a child? Can I learn from someone with less education than me? Can I learn from someone of a different race or political party?

Step 4: Growth 
This is the hard part. Actually choosing to not repeat harmful thought patterns. In sports, we call this "Muscle memory." Can you train your mind to think correctly? I believe you can. When you think a harmful thought replace it with the truth. 

You are judgmental because you see a poor person on a busy street in Pittsburgh. You think "They are not really poor, they are just trying to take my money." 
Replace that thought with "They may or may not be poor, that is not my job."

If you want to give them money fine... if not fine.. But judging them is only hurting you. 


Final Thoughts 

The Journey to becoming a better person is a journey that will last your entire life! Being passive will not change you. Take action. Be willing to re-examine how you view your life and those around you.

Take a step today. Just do one thing. Listen. Learn. Rinse. Repeat. You got this! I'm rooting for you!!



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